Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
