I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
