I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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