you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
