Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
