That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
