Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize