how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
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i just identified you from a description of your pipe
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
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He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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