Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
