My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
