Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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