She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
