she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
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Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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