I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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