My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
