Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
