I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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