smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
