i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
