My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
