uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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