How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
