dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
