we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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