i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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