I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Can i not drive my cunt home
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
