Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
