walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
