I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
