You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
