You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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