I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
