Your dad touched me again.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
