So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
