dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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