no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
