He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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