hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
