So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
he fucked my hip out of place.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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