Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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