Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Randomize
