i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
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