Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
