Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
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do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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