Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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