her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
areolas are like halos for boobs.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
