Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
