gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
