apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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