Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
