I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
