What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
