Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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