not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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