I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Sext me about skeletons
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
