all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
