Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
