Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
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