He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i wish my penis had a tongue
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
