I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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