OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
